It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Breaking news:
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor