DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
You Might Also Like
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.