It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.