It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription