@UncleDuke1969

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

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@egg_dog

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

@daemonic3

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

@jjax44

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

@adamjest

*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*

@Samigrl2

“Do what you love & the money will follow.”

Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.

And now, I wait…

@ka_waltz

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

@BestestNerdDad

When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.

@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

@roostermustache

Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple