“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment