“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

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Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.


[Emergency Room]

Me: *dying on table*

Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.


[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then


Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.


I hate when my MacBook starts breathing heavy. I didn’t pay three grand for a vacuum


“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.


Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.


I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.