“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
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My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?