IT’S-A ME,
You Might Also Like
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Perfect
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
He’s dead