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Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.


my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now


NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.


Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.


Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!


My sister used a Kroger bag to bleach her hair and the logo came off on her head happy Monday


I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.


Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this


“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles