@ATTLien

ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.

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@electrolemon

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

@mofrorock

Things you can’t touch:

1. Happines
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
4. This

@aundreyamarie

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

@ShortSleeveSuit

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

@NewDadNotes

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

@VisionBored1

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now

Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE

@KentWGraham

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”