It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.