It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.