It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Duolingo getting serious.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?