@nicfit75

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

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@BallsMcBallski

Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Neighbor: If you don’t stay out of my heating duct I’m calling the cops.

@cloudypianos

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

@batkaren

One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!

@davecribb

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

@Staggfilms

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

@KeatonPatti

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

@CaucasianJames

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

@DrakeGatsby

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

@nayele18maybe

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.