I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Lmbo
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Meow
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl