The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
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COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.