Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.