it’s a van. how do they not know this
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Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?