@JimmerThatisAll

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

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@Staggfilms

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

@JulianLeeComedy

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

@DirtMcTurd

My thoughts today are like underwear, I don’t have any clean ones.

@CantWaitToNap

My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.

@caseytduncan

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@LostFelicia

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

@birbigs

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

@JustMeTurtle

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

@badbanana

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.