It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
You Might Also Like
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.