It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
You Might Also Like
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
pelicons
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
i can’t wait that long
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”