Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.