It’s actually Dr. whatever
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Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.