It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England