It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
You Might Also Like
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
🤣🤣🤣
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong