Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?
Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural