@PavelASamsonov

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

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@Roxtalled

Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.

@djdarrellripley

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

@iwearaonesie

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@NikkiGlaser

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

@carlyken

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

@ilovepie84

Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural