It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click