A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳