@electrolemon

“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!” Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. ” I’m not doing butt stuff, Adam.”

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@randomnloveit

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

@prodigalsam

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”

@Dawn_M_

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

@ThatScoop

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

@withanewname

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

@Parentpains

If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.