If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!” Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. ” I’m not doing butt stuff, Adam.”
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BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet
– Keys to a successful relationship
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.