It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
You Might Also Like
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.