It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
📽️movie date🎞️
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.