*On my Deathbed*
Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*
Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!
Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
You Might Also Like
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go
me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!
Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says “Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!” & starts crying
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.