@Adyaces

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

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@sharpular

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

@Parentpains

If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@ShortSleeveSuit

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

@atDevin

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married women make:

1. Assuming he heard you.

2. Assuming he understood you.

3. Assuming he’ll remember.

4. Marrying a man.

@zachobeepo

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.