It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND