I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
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Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“The Perfect Relationship”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
What flavor cupcake are these
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Quadruple digit IQ
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Nothing to do, you say?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’