People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
ME: Do you want children?
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights