My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down