@Marcmywords2

It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.

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@Dwarven_Cleric

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

@ArtIsMyPorn

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

@BuyBritishMilk

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

@Brianhopecomedy

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

@JaymayAllDay

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

@AngelaEhh

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

@brettminor

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

@Bdell1014

If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights