“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?
TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
16: Why do I have to go to college?
Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.
16: My journey where?
Me: Out of this house.
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time