It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything