@Book_Krazy

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

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@Holy_Mowgli

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

@lisaxy424

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

@Storminika

The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?

@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

@TheBoydP

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

@TrondyNewman

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

@iamjohnsarris

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

@better_off_dad2

16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.

@De_ja_vu_who

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time