It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
best first i’ve ever seen
Just ordered me some pizza!
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
North and South
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters