@WhiskeyandMeds

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.

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@StranDadAbroad

Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…

“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”

@bggas400

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

@PinkCamoTO

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

@Parkerlawyer

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.

@meat_tornado_

write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead

@withanewname

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

@Gupton68

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@Reverend_Scott

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]