Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…
“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”
It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.
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You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.
write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]