*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.