@kentgrossarth

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

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@EricGoldie

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

@Coops_Bradley

Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote “California” for ethnicity on her clinic forms.

@TimDuffy

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

@OhReallyRach

Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.

@Book_Krazy

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

@BigRadMachine

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

@elunatyk

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

@RedheadChaos

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

@lizzzzzielogan

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not