It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

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I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.


Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote “California” for ethnicity on her clinic forms.


Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.


Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.


*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….


I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.


It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?


If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.


i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not