It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
You Might Also Like
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route