Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.