It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
This fish is cracking me up
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said