It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.

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Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.


It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”


So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.


[dies and goes to Heaven]

GOD: Hello, welcome to-


GOD: Right this way.


Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]


I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets


“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.


If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.


I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.