god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.