Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
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I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7