It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.