@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

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@imteddybless

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@chrisdowning

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

@XplodingUnicorn

[driving]

Wife: Horseys!

Me: The kids aren’t in the car.

Wife: I said it for me.

@Staggfilms

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

@nice_mustard

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

@bornmiserable

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

@SaraMansford

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

@Mr_Kapowski

Just a typical Sunday morning of going on and writing Amazon reviews for cheese graters rating them low and saying “not good toys for kids”