It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Love is always patient and kind.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes