It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
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[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.