It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
That’s no pocket rocket.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore