It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!