@UnFitz

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

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@DurtMcHurtt

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

@That_Damn_Duck

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@MartinPilgrim1

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

@Home_Halfway

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

@jonnysun

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

@Skoog

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

@THEPokerWife

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.