Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.