It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.