@HomeProbably

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

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@Brampersandon_

WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?

ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess

@AverageCorners

I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.

@chloethesiren

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

@Stuccoman1

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

@GrantTanaka

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

@chrisdowning

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

@Nikkeya08

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

@954LeenO

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

@TheTweetOfGod

The fact that other bad things are happening is not an argument against fighting a particular bad thing.