It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Bond. Trauma bond.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.