My favorite restaurant review
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell “JOHN CENA!!”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday
All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
me: wow its pretty
gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful
me: haha what lol
gf: we need to talk