It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.